Wisdom From The Gutters
by Save Fearow
Summary: The Gromble has been teaching for a very long time. He's not always sure it's worth it. (With apologies to my previous teachers. You know who you were.)


Wisdom From The Gutters

an Aaaah! Real Monsters fanfic

by Save Fearow

Author's Note: Teaching is one of the most important, yet undervalued occupations in the world, which goes a long way towards accounting for the numerous instances of teacher burnout. I don't believe that even monsters can avoid those feelings forever. Although the Gromble definitely tries to stay away from that pitfall, he may need a little extra encouragement to side-step it completely.

It was quiet. Too quiet. The Gromble was sure his scrubby little stinkbugs were up to something, students always were. That was one thing that hadn't changed over the past several decades. But at least his former students were actually successful! He used to LOVE teaching, even as a bonsty it was the most rewarding career he could ever envision. When he was still attending the Academy himself, he had spent many a quiet afternoon planning the lessons he would impart on future generations, usually with an encouraging nod from Plastoog. Now, THERE was a monster. While technically a drop-out, Plastoog had a very good reason to leave the Academy (although the Gromble still shuddered to think what life amongst the humans must have been like, with all their talk of game show hosts). He'd never cared for most of his classmates growing up, many of them were callous and shallow, particularly his lackluster rival Skritch.

He'd blamed it on the educational system, and vowed to revolutionize it. At first, the work he did at the Academy seemed to truly be an improvement. He still remembered Slickis, his earliest success story. He'd gone from a lazy, plump little monster to a suprisingly good scarer (how the heck did he always manage to sneak up on everyone? You'd think those ears would forever give him away...) and a famous athlete as well. Although even Slickis had never lived up to his true potential, not after he hooked up with that pouncer girl. The Gromble knew he wasn't being entirely fair in his assessment, Slickis had never planned on having his family ripped out from under him, but still there was no denying that some of Slickis' former robustness was gone. Also, he spoiled that silly little son of his. Master Ickis, what a blight he had been on the Gromble's entire career! Perpetually tardy, full of excuses, disrespectful towards his elders (he didn't care how many doodles he confiscated, the Gromble would never find them humorous and they fed into a juvenile mentality that he desperately was trying to wean the class away from), and Ickis cultivated several unhealthy interests in humanity. The Gromble couldn't decide which was worse, the ever-pervasive presence of an "MTV culture" as Ickis described it, or the genuine sympathy Ickis displayed towards his targets and their disgusting, drooling, bark-and-bites. You'd think after experiencing the supreme honor of conversing with the Pool of Elders (what did they see in that kid?) Master Ickis would realize that the only good human was a terrified one. If anything, he seemed to grow FONDER of the miserable creatures.

And while Ickis was obviously the biggest disappointment he had, the other students weren't much better. Krumm was a slacker, no doubt about it. He'd seen hints that the boy was more than just a set of eyeballs and a foul odor but he never wanted to push himself. He seemed content to just stay in the background and let others take charge of most things. Of course, the few times Krumm did act assertive were all terrible. He must have learned from Ickis, that being the center of attention automatically meant acting like a raging egomaniac. Everyone could tell that head was grafted on, why did he seem so proud of the ridiculous thing? He kept trying to tell them all that looks weren't important, but they just weren't getting it. Even Oblina was a victim of vanity, simpering over that muscular moron, Gludge and trying to be more "hebopply" by stealing the Gromble's special RESERVED seat in the cafeteria. At least Master Ickis had seemed unimpressed by that, it shocked him a bit to think that vapid, little fluffhead might prefer the smarter, sensible attitude Oblina typically displayed. Well, even a stopped clock was right twice a day, so Ickis may have lucked out on that account.

But what of the other students? There was Snav, the most "scarilectually challenged" pupil he'd ever had. And he came from a very good bloodline, his Great-Uncle Sniv was one of the most influential philosophers ever, and the inspiration behind the Manual's leading quote! What did they do, drop him on the head as a bonsty, just to see if he'd bounce? There was also Blib, Snav's best friend and roommate who was such an ingratiating suck-up. Every other word out of his mouth was glowing praise for whoever was the most recent celebrity. He doubted if Blib ever had an original thought in his life, all he did was parrot whatever he heard was considered the most popular development. And Dizzle, that saucy little girl. The only skill she'd managed to accumulate over the years was a talent in playing the heartstrings of stupid boys. It was infuriating to see Master Ickis humiliate himself in front of her, didn't that boy have enough problems without inviting more of them into his life?

Not that most of the girls were any more impressive than the boys. Horrifica was entirely too full of herself and seemed to enjoy organizing the other into little cliques, when they should all be working together for the betterment of monsters everywhere! Hairyette seemed quieter, but that just meant she was sneakier and prefered to do her micro-managing from the shadows. He'd seen the way she instigated others, it was truly despicable. Gludge was hardly an improvement, if he were even a fraction less conceited he could cause a lot of trouble. Even with his cavalier, narcissitic tendencies he still managed to upset classroom life from time to time, with nary a regret. And Pugh, what a loathsome little leech! He cut classes whenever he was able, and the Gromble knew he'd established at least 2 gambling halls where Grishnak was the game of choice. He'd also heard a rumor that Ickis was the champion player, but that had come from Zimbo, and the Gromble didn't trust EVERYTHING he heard.

Zimbo, now there was a piece of work! The Gromble always tried to bring out the best in his students (and for some of them that meant trying very hard) but he worried that Zimbo displayed some true, sociopathic tendencies. He'd come -this- close to initiating a complete mental breakdown in Ickis, and that boy didn't need anyone's help to go over the edge, not when he was already standing on the precipice. Zimbo had also encouraged Master Ickis to develop an eating disorder. The Gromble had always envied the high-metabolic rate of loomers (in one day, Ickis could burn off the same amount of weight it would take the others a year's worth of dieting to get rid of) but it was downright unsettling to see that boy skulking about like a skeleton. Wasn't Zimbo content to just let nature take its course? Ickis was clumsy and excitable, with numerous pre-existing conditions, it would be a minor miracle if he made it through another century unscathed.

It was depressing, really. The Gromble had worked so hard and for so long, and this was all he had to show for it? He hadn't signed up to be a teacher for his own benefit, he had just wanted to help the younger monsters realize their goals, mold them into skillful, spectacular scare-mongers, and maybe instill a sense of justice and righteousness to guide them through their lives. The most he could say about these children was that none of them had robbed any toenail collections the way Chemira, Ignita, and Typhon had all those decades ago. But they were all young still, and there was a chance they'd prove him wrong there as well. The Gromble frowned and slumped his shoulders. He couldn't go on much longer, giving so much of his wisdom, if the returns were always going to diminish. Maybe he should retire, not many Headmasters lasted as long as had.

FWOOMP! The Gromble looked up just in time to see Ickis skyrocketing across the hall. Oh please, don't him let be combusting again! It had taken days to get the other monsters to even approach Ickis afterwards, and he'd only managed THAT by being selective in his description of Ickis' condition. He suspected that Oblina was the only student who realized that no monster ever stopped being combustible, they just went into remission, and lived the rest of their days coping with an immune-defiency syndrome. If Slickis had even talked to his boy about the seriousness of the matter, it had just gone in one ear and out the other, because Master Ickis was just as reckless as ever.

"So that's why they call it a flambe!" Ickis announced cheerfully.

The Gromble stared at him. "Are you insane? I don't care what Dr. Kott's analysis said, you are clearly disturbed in a multitude of ways that- OH MY SEWERS your ears are burning!" yelled the Gromble.

Ickis beamed. "I heard that means somewhere out there, a girl is squishing on you." he declared.

"May the good sludge have mercy on that poor unfortunate soul." the Gromble muttered. "I meant that your body is -literally- engulfed in flames." The Gromble picked up the nearest fire extinguisher and sprayed it directly in Ickis' face.

"Mmmph." Ickis sputtered in response.

"What were you DOING, Master Ickis? I want an explanation now and it had -better- be good." snapped the Gromble.

Ickis coughed and rubbed away some foam that had dribbled onto his glasses. "It's Teacher -ahem- Appreciation Day! The humans do it all'a time so I thought why can't we monsters do the same? Only we'll do it better because the whole party is for you, sir!" he exclaimed. "Come on, come on, it's this way!" he tugged hurriedly on the Gromble's arm.

The Gromble blinked. "My what now?" he asked.

"Your party! We got the whole room almost completely set up! Krumm's doing the catering, but he let me put the last touch on the murky meringue, they weren't kidding when they say cover your paws and keep your distance from the heat source! That's not ALL I did, though. They put me in charge of decorations, so there's a nice banner an' some drawings, plus this really terrific Pin-The-Tail-On-The-Gromble game I designed." he chirped.

"I don't approve of party games." the Gromble snapped.

"It's more of a tribute than a game." Ickis clarified. "You'll like it if you give it a chance, really! And wait'll you hear the essay Oblina wrote in your honor, it's the highlight of the entire program! We've also had Gludge bring the Viewfinder in so everybody can see the kind of scares YOU used to do, and how far the Academy has come under your leadership! Nesdak found your old Academy Yearbook, I didn't know you were the star of Rotundio and Jawlier, that's awesome! Y'ever think of reviving the drama program, most monsters could benefit from more art appreciation, and we could jazz it up with choreography, maybe add a love song or two." Ickis suggested brightly.

"Rotundio and Jawlier was a tragedy, Master Ickis." the Gromble informed him.

"You shouldn't sell yourself short, I bet you weren't THAT bad an actor, sir." Ickis claimed. "Anyway, your party is gonna be amazing! The Snorch has blown up a bunch of balloons, Zimbo only popped one of them, but you can't tell unless you look close, and some of the other monsters got you PRESENTS. Dizzle and the other girls chipped in to buy a shoe tree, and Pugh wants to give you an array of dead fish, no piranhas this time, I know you don't like them that much, and for the closing ceremony, Snav and Blib want to lead a parade in your honor! Doesn't that sound incredible?"

"Particularly because you planned it." admitted the Gromble.

"Of course I planned it! If I didn't think something through, you'd never be surprised!" Ickis told him.

The Gromble rolled his eyes. "It's usually the other way around, Master Ickis." he commented.

Ickis reflected on this briefly. "You're surprised when I don't think something through?" Ickis offered.

The Gromble sighed and patted Ickis' head. "Close enough." the Gromble allowed.

~~~The End

Author's Note: You might not have to do something as elaborate as a party, but it is a good idea to let those who've had a positive impact on your life know how much they mean to you every so often. Teacher Appreciation Day is an actual holiday, celebrated on May 7th in the United States. Depending on your country of residence, the holiday may fall on a different date. Regardless of when or how you celebrate it, I'm sure it will make a difference to everyone around you, perhaps even more than you imagined it would. Reviews are greatly appreciated.


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